| Hm.. |
[Feb. 27th, 2005|11:12 am] |
Nothing really new has been going on...I'm fairly bored. Sadly, when I get bored, I usually get angry...most likely because I'm just sitting around thinking about things. Then I have a habit of blowing things out of proportion.
I'm beginning to believe that I'll be ending my senior year worse than I began it. I find it ironic how the one year that I feel pressed for time with the need to be with friends and do things is also the year that seems to be going rapidly downhill in that category. I'm not sure how, but I did get to know a few new people...and thinking about it, I believe it was from my knowledge of one particular lady's boyfriend...ahem, cough, cough. Was it being used? No fucking clue....I doubt that though, I need to give people more credit than that. Thus proceeded a series of mistakes and events that will probably lead to a very lonely last few months in highschool. How silly of me to include one of my friends along with others that I had met. Who possibly would have done that? I mean, what kind of friend asks someone they know along...that's just weird right? Well, as I stupidly did that (cause obviously no true friend would), I seemed to have been pushed away. And, in a blindingly fast "coup", I'm left with less people than I began. Now, I don't give full blame to the other party...I mean, it was me who had that sense of loyalty between friends...just as it was me who genuinely believed in the good morals of others...how niave eh? It was foolish for me to believe that someone who had known another for so much longer than the other party had, would be treated with more concern..if not just as fairly. Instead, I seem to be the remnants of a past acquaintanceship, no more, no less. Once again, my fault for not realizing that...for believing in the inherent good qualities of another. In the end, I blame my own sense of that wonderful "need to belong"...it made me hope that I would branch out and be friends with others, experience things that I had previously not known. And with that weakness, I was in a sense tricked...was it that I was not as fun to be around as the other party had previously thought? Had a outlived my usefulness as a confidant and a supplier of information to one in particular? Had I been affective in bringing another to their group...so that they could fawn and concoct plans, and I would no longer be of use? All are possibilities...though most are laced with uneccesary paranoia. But still, its how I feel, so I'll say it...cause I believe honesty is of the utmost importance...not empty promises to call, not secret events behind one's back...those are just tools to make another feel better for a short while, until they realize later that it was a lie...and then it hurts worse. But no one thinks that far ahead. So in a sense, though honesty is harsh, it is, in the long-run at least, more affective, more respectful, and the real sign of a friend.
I've come to understand that I've over-stepped my boundaries...that I as a person am meant for a clear, set path. How greedy of me to wish for more. At this point in time, the only solace I find is that I've introduced another to a better environment, and hell, and source of companionship with another. I do hope it's fun, and I mean that with no sarcasm. Above all else, none of this would have been bad if my friend could find the time for both parties...something like I had done in the past. I don't need to be invited, I don't want to tag along with a group that doesn't want me there, but at the same time, I do want to be around a friend of mine. Again, I see no real "happy outcome" to this scenario...since the other party sees fit to do something every day...and since they're so much more fun...and since they're a new experience and provide a new group that shows interest, how could I possibly expect my friend to fit in time for me? It wouldn't be rational to believe that it could be made possible, and at the same time, I couldn't ask for it. What would I say...that I've known you longer...that I know you better? It's pitiful...and it'd be laughed at...and my friend would shrink back with embarrasment at the "ridiculousness" of it all. So why I do bother writing it down? Because it fucking matters to me that's why. And it's melodramatic, and its probably skewed logic, but its important to me that I say it...becuase that's how I feel. I expect nothing to change, as much as I hope for it, I know better. |
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| Bye |
[Nov. 2nd, 2004|11:42 am] |
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And now it's friends-only... hardy har har |
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